Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
(singsongy) Happy Monday, professionals.
It's Thursday, and so it begins.
Hello, boss. Right. We have a lot going on today.
You know it, girlfriend.
Oh, I am obsessed with this new phone that you set me up with.
If I could just get your focus for a moment,
this is today's schedule...
(Auto-tune voice) It's even got auto-tune,
so everything you say sounds like a rap song,
even words like...
♪ penis ♪ penis
You have... ♪ pe...
You've got... ♪ penis
you have a meeting in five.
Also, could you sign this birthday card?
Birthday? Whose is it?
Mine, next week.
I've prepurchased a card for myself
to avoid the usual awkwardness when you inevitably forget.
I thought it might be to your taste.
"Happy birthday, hottie!
"You bring the fire, I'll bring the hose!" (Gasps)
Oh, my gosh. I love firemen.
This is gonna be my best birthday ev.
- Oh, no, actually, it's my birthday. - ♪ Penis
Never mind.
♪ Pe...
♪ I'm moving to penis town
Molly! Incoming!
Hey, Robbie's got receipts.
(Whirring)
Dude, dude, Cash is making a move.
(Whirring continues)
Robbie! Heel!
Cash! Yeah.
It's 14 feet. Could you not have just walked them over?
Since when are you guys hitting on Molly?
She may have a stick up her butt,
but it's the hottest one in this office.
Yeah. I'd crack me off a piece of that.
(Sighs)
(Blows air)
(Packaging rustling)
Stay calm, oz.
Stay calm.
We got a code blue!
(Alarm blaring) Everybody stop what you're doing and listen up!
Contra has been compromised!
Look at what I just found in the trash.
Someone has pilfered my pudding.
Now, cam, I want you to hack into the NASA mainframe.
I want satellite recon.
Copy that.
Cash, I want a hard-target search of every office,
warehouse, henhouse, farmhouse, cathouse, waffle house, outh...
Excuse me, am I mistaken, or are you shutting down
the entire office over a gross, 89-cent pudding cup?
It's not about the pudding. It's about what it represents...
Respect, boundaries, creamy deliciousness...
Uh-huh.
I think I'm figuring this out.
When was the last time you got some?
Pardon?
You know. Spelunked mount baldy?
Rode the pink twinkler? Shanghaied the pumpkin patch?
Parked the plunger? Vacuumed the volcano?
Scrambled a vaj-omelet?
Wait a second.
You.
You ate my pudding.
What?
Give me the room.
(Sighs)
We're not really in a room.
It's more of a communal work area.
Give... me... the... room!
(Employees murmuring)
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
Did you...
Or did you not...
Eat my pudding?
Perhaps, to keep both the peace and Veronica on schedule,
may I nip out and just get oz another pudding?
No. No nipping out to get oz something.
You're my girl, you work for me,
and it just so happens that I have a very important meeting
that consists of... oh.
We're putting that on the schedule now?
Mm-hmm.
I don't really have to go.
Wait.
Oh, yeah, maybe.
Veronica stole my pudding. I'm going to steal hers.
Molly Marie Hughes... That is our target, gentlemen.
Don't you think you're overreacting?
Even if V. Did steal your pudding, who cares?
No... I care!
Damn it, I was going to court to fight a ticket.
Veronica's already taken my office, my company...
That's just the beginning.
(Oz) Hey, uh...
Veronica. Read the sign. You're in my spot.
Oh, shoot.
I already put it in park, and I already took the key out,
and I already put 'em in my purse, and...
Oh, no. I closed the door, and now I'm going inside.
All that woman does is take-y, take-y.
Well, now it's my turn.
We're gonna take Molly
with a little high-level C.I.A. Deprogramming.
Were you in the C.I.A.?
Nope, and as soon as we're done with Molly,
she'll forget Veronica mann ever existed...
(Whirring)
So it's... it's beep...
(Cash, British accent) Would you like a spot of tea?
Big Ben? Parliament? Guv'nor?
You know, there are some people in this office
who do appreciate you.
Why don't you take a little break? Hmm?
Come on.
To Molly Hughes, the newest member of the contra club.
(Glasses clink)
(Cash) Whoo. There you go, gal.
Aw.
Molly! Where is she?
Come on.
Phone. Activate.
(Beep)
I have a meeting, and I don't know who it's with
or where it is or what it's about.
Molly! Oh, my God. This is an emergency!
(Female automated voice) Emergency. Now dialing police.
No! Don't call the po-po! Molly!
(Oz) Ain't it a drag when you're looking for something,
and it's just not there?
Kind of like my pudding. Mm?
Mmm.
Creamy deliciousness.
Where...
Is she?
(Michael Wandmacher's "we got your back" playing)
♪ we got your back
(tchaikovsky's "dance of the little swans" playing)
Oh, come on, man. Molly! Oh. (Music warps and stops)
Molly's mine now, but good news for you is,
confess to the pud-napping,
and everything goes back to normal.
Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?
Well, let me tell you something.
I can get Molly back anytime I want.
You're supposed to add water.
(Crunches) Mmm.
(Mouth full) I like it this way.
It's heart smart.
Well, that's good,
'cause I just saw Molly heading to H.R.
So good.
Probably requesting a transfer.
(Mouth full) I'm gonna kick you in the balls.
Okay.
They're vampires. That makes so much more sense.
(Knock on door)
(Molly) Carol.
(Thud, clatter)
Um, I have a rather delicate H.R. Matter to discuss with you.
It has, uh, romantic implications.
Hmm. Please. Be seated.
O.C.P. Policy disallows
interoffice relationships that occur between two employees,
and these guidelines apply to all workers,
regardless of seniority.
Oh. You're all business.
That's... that's quite a pleasant surprise.
Did you bang him?
Ah, yes. That's more like it.
Is he some pale, brooding emo that hangs out at high school...
(Whispers) Even though he's, like, 110 years old?
No, but...
Well, he gives me the tingles.
So he's a werewolf.
Right.
Um, I trust, if I tell you who it is,
you will keep it in the strictest of confidence.
So Molly is totally in love with someone in the office.
Oh, man. I pity that unlucky bastard. Who is it?
Excuse me, Cameron.
I'm an H.R. Professional, and my word is sacred...
(Singsongy) But let's just say,
if somebody plays his cards right...
(Grunts, imitates horse's whinny)
That's so disgusting.
Oh, my God.
Mm.
So Molly's bridget jonesing for some booty?
Oh, please let it be mine.
- Here comes my girl now. - You mean my girl.
Oh, yeah. She's hooked.
You? She was waving at me. Look.
Uh, dude, quit wave-blocking.
Quit hitting on her.
You quit hitting on her.
Okay, fine. Nobody hits on her.
Yeah, being a professional hacker is crazy dangerous,
so I like to unwind by playing a little b-ball.
And one, son!
(Buzzer)
Oh. 28-3?
You let me win.
Busted. Yeah. That's me... A badass gentleman.
(Giggles)
(Deep voice) What have we here?
Can I... can I talk to you a second, please?
(Cash) Huh?
(Sighs) Lando calrissian? Are you serious?
Look, I threw this on.
I mean, I can't help that
this stylish cape brings out the sparkle in my eyes.
Dude, no girl's gonna go for that.
Well, let's let her be the judge of that, you old pirate.
Wait. I knew it. You're here to hit on her.
Just admit it.
Admit this.
(Rip) Ow! Ohh.
That's a collector's 'stache.
You dick! I got this at Ross!
(Glass clatters)
(Sputters)
(Rock music playing)
Hey, girl!
Veronica. What are you doing here?
Okay, here's the plan... Start with a shot of Tequila,
end up underneath those two bartenders. (Clicks tongue)
Um, I-I'm sorry. Is this work-related?
No! It's friend-related, bestie!
(Cackles) Yeah! Some midori for my whore-y.
- I-I've already had far too m... - Drink it! Drink it. Come on.
Little dab'll do ya.
Hey, mol, can you settle a dispute for us?
Oh, my God. Here. You work on these.
I'm gonna take care of these bozos.
Okay. Girls' night!
Whoo-hoo.
(Lowered voice) What is the deal, dudes? You're salting my game.
You're salting my game.
You both are salting my game.
Yeah? Well, too bad. This is important.
I'm getting Molly back, and she...
(Cash) Nice job. Now she's gone.
(Sighs)
(Keys jangle)
(Keys clink)
You look like you've had about a dozen too many.
Why don't you let me take you home? Huh?
Um, oh, okay. Thank you.
- To be safe. - Whoop.
Watch your head.
(Giggles)
(Sighs)
So... (Sighs) My dear, where am I going?
Uh, Los Santos.
It's been quite a night. (Engine starts)
Everyone was acting a little loony.
Yeah, nothing wrong with loony.
You don't want to play it safe your entire life, do you?
No. I don't.
(Kisse
uh... (Chuckles) What was that?
What was what?
I think you just kissed my eye.
No... no... no... I d... I'm gonna get a cab.
I'm so sorry.
(Singsongy) Um, see you... See you tomorrow!
(Car door closes)
Oz, what happened last night?
Yeah, we saw the whole thing. You laid one on Molly.
Look, I don't kiss and tell,
but I'm telling you, the girl kissed me.
(Whispers) Forbidden love. Oh! Ah!
Mm? Yeah.
Take that off!
Later! Not now!
And you guys, drop it. All right? She was drunk.
I guarantee you she wakes up this morning,
wishing last night never happened.
(Cell phone alert chimes)
Ah.
See?
"Sorry about last night."
(Chime)
Oh.
"I shouldn't have run off
right when things were getting good. Double winky face."
"Double winky face"?
"Double winky"?
"Double winky face." Oh, dear God.
I'm sorry. I just wanted some sweet pudding revenge.
Molly's crush was merely collateral damage.
What did you expect? You're very tappable.
All right. Keep it in your pants, V.
Listen, I want Molly back,
so pull her aside and set her straight right now.
(Sighs) It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, historically, people don't respond well
when the old oz-man gives 'em the heave-ho.
(Amplified voice) Don't jump!
But I'll never meet anyone as great as oz!
You dated oz?
(Normal voice) We're gonna need a net.
Trust me, it's better if she's the one who breaks it off.
I'm gonna call in the experts.
(Whispers) Experts at what?
Repelling women.
You wanted to see us, oz?
Ebony. Ivory. Yes.
Operation cyrano is in full effect.
Cash, you're gonna be my lead on this mission.
Oh! Suck it!
Our target is one Molly Hughes.
Uh, you know, she's right over there.
I don't think we need the photo.
- Zip it. Yeah. - Got it.
You are going to be my eyes and ears on this one.
You're gonna tell me what to do, what to say, and what to wear.
Nice! Then what?
Well, if your track record is any indication,
she'll be completely repulsed and want nothing to do with me.
- Problem solved. - That just... that cuts me deep.
I mean, yeah, sure, I'm on an all-male Quidditch team,
and yeah, my wardrobe is mostly capes, and yeah, it's true,
I write erotic "quantum leap" fan fiction, but you know what?
One day I'm gonna find a girl,
and she's gonna appreciate me for me.
You're cyrano de nerdgerac. You suck it.
Hey. Easy, champ. You have a much more important job.
You have to babysit Veronica.
Oh, my God. It's so cute in here, you guys.
Look at all these little buttons and switches and toggles.
- What's this one? - No. (Sighs)
(Beep) Oops. (Giggles)
Dude, really? You have one job.
(Computer whirs) Veronica, don't you want your assistant back?
Yes. Okay.
(Electronic beeping and whirring) Wow.
Not quite what I expected, but... it's quaint.
Gamer cafe... My home away from the office.
I wanted to share this magical place with you.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Okay. Here we go.
Order some jalapeã±o poppers and a drink.
Garcon? Can I order some, uh, jalapeã±o poppers?
And, uh, I'd love to see the wine list, if I may.
No, no, no, no. Do not improvise.
No wine list. Order a suicide.
Uh, you know what? Make that just a couple of suicides.
Thank you.
(Whispers) What's a suicide?
A combination of every soda in one cup.
- Ohh. - It's the nectar of the geeks.
(Normal voice) Gnarly. Yeah.
(Coughs)
Conversation starter.
Repeat word for word what I say, exactly. (Gasps)
If superman...
And wonder woman had a baby, w-what would its superpower be?
Well, um... That's a fun question.
(Chuckles) Um...
I guess...
Invisibility?
That makes no sense.
Neither one of them had that...
Superpower. I mean, maybe if superman made love to her jet...
(Veronica) Guys. She's not buying that.
Veronica, please. Just let the man work his magic.
Ooh. That's a great call. Magic.
Oz, do some magic. Chicks hate it.
Hey, uh, you got something behind your ear there.
See? Ohh.
A rose for the lady. Oh.
No! Not a rose! Do a card trick involving math.
How did he even do that?
You guys, I am getting really worried. The man is too smooth.
No, no, no, no. Cash can do this.
He's been turning off women his whole life.
Thanks for believing in me, bro.
Here we go. Strap in, oz.
I have a, uh, dope collection of "garbage pail kids."
Then I hit him with a left and an uppercut and a body blow,
and that's how you beat "Mike Tyson's punch-out!!"
First boner... Jessica rabbit.
I'm building a bunker in the event of an ape robot war.
Three words... "Chronicles of riddick."
(Whispers) Yes.
This makes no sense.
I mean, this is my "a" game, and it's like she likes... Me.
You have an... What's that?
What? She's moving in! Quick!
Uh, tell her you're gay! Tell her you punched a baby!
Tell her she's got a muffin top. That'll work. That'll work!
No! No, no, no. She likes me.
This is the best date I've ever had.
It's not a date. It's a mission.
Okay. Change of plans. Go! Go! Go! Go!
No. Wait. She's going rogue! She's going rogue!
I've never met anyone like you before.
(Doors open) You're just so full of...
Surprises.
What?! Cameron! Why, look who's here.
It is two of our fellow co-workers... oswald and Molly.
Cam, did I not give you a very, very important job to do?
W-what's going on here?
Oh, nothin'.
You know, just taking my new assistant here out. Yeah.
He's the greatest. (Pats back)
Right? Thank you. Yep.
Why... why is everyone crashing our date?
I gotta be honest with you.
It's not a date.
Pardon me?
Or is it?
Pick a card.
Molly, please don't shoot the messenger, but the reason
that these abject morons have been being so nice to you lately
is to make me look bad.
Really?
(Whispers) Well...
I quit.
Wait.
(Sighs)
Oh, and by the way, oz, Veronica ate your pudding.
Ha ha!
So I got word that you're quitting.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to conduct an exit interview.
(Whispers) How was your date?
How was my date?
I was completely and utterly humiliated.
(Whispers) So you got laid.
Nice.
No, I didn't get laid.
You know, I am really starting to regret
that I stole your pudding.
I might have overreacted a little.
I mean, I did sort of bring a chain saw to a pillow fight.
Well... (Sighs)
There goes the best darn assistant i'll ever have.
Eh, don't worry about it.
You'll find somebody else to run your life.
You know, she wasn't just my assistant, oswald.
She was my friend.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, the whole reason I'm so hard on her
is to toughen her up.
(Sighs) You know, my fondest wish
was that one day she'd stab me in the back
and rip this job from my cold, dead hands.
(Sighs)
You want to know the real reason she took a shine to me?
I showed her just a little bit of kindness.
You got about 30 seconds to do the same.
(Sighs)
Molly, stop packing. You're not quitting!
Actually, I already have,
and since you're not my boss anymore,
I'd like to give you a piece of my mind.
You... are... a poop head!
And please, may I use your name as a reference?
All right.
(Auto-tune voice) ♪ I'm saying this to you like t-pain ♪
♪ because if I say it normally, I'll cry ♪
♪ Molly
♪ you're so smart and talented ♪
Veronica, those are just words.
Perfectly pitched words, but...
♪ I'd be lost without you
do you even know what today is?
♪ I'm guessing
♪ it's kwanzaa
(employees, singsongy) Happy birthday!
(Cheering)
(Singsongy) Happy birthday! (Normal voice) Yep!
Just this morning, V. was saying, "I may be"
"a needy, scatterbrained, self-absorbed crazy lady,
"but this year, I'm gonna get my dear Molly
a cake for every birthday that I have missed."
Yay! I did it. (Laughs)
You remembered? Yes.
(Damien rice) ♪ stones
♪ taught me to fly (Mouths words)
♪ love
♪ it taught me to lie
♪ life
♪ it taught me to die
oz.
Um, if I may, I think, from here on out, it would be
best to keep our relationship strictly professional.
And also, I wanted to say "thank you."
I was filing receipts and found this.
You bought the cakes.
♪ Taught me to die
(whoosh)
I don't know what you're talking about.
♪ When you float like a cannon
♪ stones
♪ taught me to fly
♪ love
♪ just taught me to cry
♪ just come on, courage
♪ teach me to be shy
♪ 'cause it's not hard to fall
♪ when you float like a cannonball ♪
(hiss)
(Sighs)
Good. The dye pack works. Enjoy the weekend.
(Spits)
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/